I’m not trying to sound melodramatic but Mariko and I have had this conversation a million-billion times. Christian and I have had this conversation even more. If you and I have ever had a conversation I’ve probably talked about the things that are hard for me about living in Hawaii.
Bust out your tiny violins because here I go again on why I am not in love with living in Hawaii.
- I miss my community. We had an amazing community in California. I miss those friends every day. These are people I feel comfortable with. I like who I am with people that I identify with, people that have been a part of my life for the past 8 years, that loves my kids, that have seen my kids being born and grow up.
- Things that energize me are hard and or impossible to access here. I would trade an afternoon at the beach for a cool concert any day of the week. I like good restaurants, museums, cultural events, manicured playgrounds, big libraries.
- Nothing is close or easy. Costco is an hour away. Target is an hour away. A good hospital is an hour away. A good restaurant, a cool museum, a decent movie theater, a bigger library are all far away.
- My career. I work as a program manager for a tech company. I love my job and am so fortunate to be able to work remote but being far away from silicon valley makes it harder for me to grow in my career. Thinking about that bums me out.
- Where my peeps at? If I were a stay-at-home mom who surfed or hiked I would fit right in. Having a full-time job, caring very little for outdoorsy sports or exercise period, makes me an oddity here.
These and a few other things make living in paradise not so awesome for me.
It has taken me a year to come to terms that it’s o.k to live in Hawaii and not love it. That it’s o.k for me to be here and to have it be hard. That no one is going to fix it for me and that I’m not going to be able to fix it because Hawaii is not broken, it’s just different than what I really care for. And more importantly for me to accept that I’m not broken. That there’s nothing wrong with me. That it’s o.k for me to crave more or different than what I have at my disposal, to be o.k with the fact that going to the beach every day doesn’t satisfy what I want out of my life.
You can love living somewhere and still dislike certain things about it. I don’t love living here but I like some things about it.
- Cousins. My kids get to see their cousins often, it’s so great for them.
- I really like our house and running a vacation rental. I remember seeing our house online before we moved here and I told Christian “THIS is exactly what I want.” I love the open kitchen and living room. I love my bedroom and awesome bathroom. I LOVE the amazing light. Doing the vacation rental is very rewarding. I get to meet people from all over the world and they’re on vacation so generally in a good mood.
- I like our ward a lot. It’s a pretty big ward but I already feel like I’ve met almost everyone. My ward is full of really nice people.
- My kids’ school. I’ve talked about this before but I really do like my kids’ school. The three of them are in different schools and so far everyone is happy where they are at.
- Hawaiian Language Immersion Program. I guess this is more of a subcategory of the one above but I am in love with this program. Maria is thriving and I love that a lot of the kids in her program go to our ward and are in our community.
- My neighborhood. I like my neighborhood a lot. I like that no one is in our business but at the same time the people I want to be close are close. Enzo’s friends can walk over. Maria can walk to school with her friends. And my friend can come over during my lunch break and bring a delicious meal.
I hope to be a better person because I live in Hawaii. I hope that one day I will love Hawaii, that I will find myself here. That I will be here and not long for somewhere else but here and satisfied with being here for myself, not for my husband and kids but for myself. Until that happens I’ll hold on to my conviction that there is value in doing hard things.